


i'll be your safety

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz loves Simon, Forehead Kisses, M/M, Nightmares, Two Shot, basically all fluff, baz comforts simon, lets just say that simon loves baz again, lots of fluff, post-humdrum, post-simon loses his magic, probably, simon loves baz, sorry - Freeform, sunshine boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:58:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14693759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: It's happening again. I should've known it was going to; I was an idiot for thinking that I was never going to have to experience this again. The harsh panting, the raw feeling in my throat, the painful aftertaste of having to swallow down another wave of nausea. I thought that I would never have to suffer through overdosing on another round of hopeless dreaming, wishful thinking, mindless wondering. I thought I would never have to wake up, fingers clutching at my hair in frustration, tears threatening to spill heavily, eyes shut tightly. I thought I would never have to wake up to reality, again. Alone.The word is stuck in my mind, on a loop, like a broken record. You're alone, Simon. Alone, alone, alone. You're alone. You always be.I clutch at my sheets tightly, and my mind is dark. I should've known this was going to happen again.I was stupid for being so blind. So fucking stupid.





	i'll be your safety

_ **SIMON** _

 

It's happening again. I should've known it was going to; I was an idiot for thinking that I was never going to have to experience this again. The harsh panting, the raw feeling in my throat, the painful aftertaste of having to swallow down another wave of nausea. I thought that I would never have to suffer through overdosing on another round of hopeless dreaming, wishful thinking, mindless wondering. I thought I would never have to wake up, fingers clutching at my hair in frustration, tears threatening to spill heavily, eyes shut tightly. I thought I would never have to wake up to reality, again. Alone.   
  


The word is stuck in my mind, on a loop, like a broken record.  _You're alone, Simon. Alone, alone, alone. You're alone. You always be._

I clutch at my sheets tightly, and my mind is dark. I should've known this was going to happen again. 

I was stupid for being so blind. So fucking  _stupid._

 

 

**_BAZ_  
**

 

I wake to the sound of someone crying loudly, and it takes me longer than it should to draw myself out of my sleep, and to realize that it's Simon. 

I hear him before I see him. He's shaking; I can feel the headboard vibrating slightly, and I sit up slowly,  unsure of what to do. I've seen him like this countless times, but that was before. Before we kissed; before he defeated the Humdrum, and the Mage, like the courageous fuck he is, before he lost his magic. 

He hasn't noticed that I've waken up yet, and I hesitantly reach out, gently taking his hand in mine. This is all still so new, so fragile, so unsteady. And I don't want to fracture it, not even one minuscule crack, because I don't want to be the one to ruin this.  

If I could, I would take the nightmares that he suffers through out of his mind, and crush them beneath my fingertips, but that isn't possible. The fact that it isn't sets my blood on fire, because this shouldn't have to happen to him anymore. He defeated the Humdrum, he saved us, he saved  _me._ We got out alive. We got out alive; barely, but shouldn't that at least count for something? 

This shouldn't happen to us anymore. We're supposed to be untouchable, invincible, immune to Earth's way of dousing us in cold water. I've been cold, freezing, frigid, for too long. We've both had enough cold to last us a lifetime. 

_We should be free from this by now._

 

_**SIMON** _

 

I feel a cold hand encase one of mine, and I jerk. The scent of cedar and bergamot starts to fill my nose, and I hesitantly look up, to face Baz. His pale white skin is reflecting the moonlight streaming through our open window, and his black hair melds with the dark room. He looks like he's glowing silver, and it's almost beautiful enough to make me want to stop crying. 

He isn't saying anything, but his jaw is clenched together, and his eyes are black. Heavy. Raw. They're full of  _something,_ but I can't place it, and it's infuriating. I open my mouth to tell him to go back to sleep, that I didn't mean to wake him up, but the words don't come. They're stuck in my throat, and I swallow, trying to get rid of the rawness. 

He's still staring at me, and his eyes are turning, and I don't know what to say. He probably knows that I've had nightmares before, but then again, that was a lifetime ago. Before we somehow dissipated the line between us, before he gave into me, before I gave into  _him._

_Before we gave into each other._

I swallow down another wave of nausea, and he shifts almost closer to me, but it was too small for me to really notice. My tears are starting to blur my vision, and I know that if i blink, that they'll drip down, and then I'll start crying all over again. 

Shit. 

 

_**BAZ** _

 

Simon's eyes are red, swollen, and my heart clenches painfully in my chest. I can't stand not doing anything; I haven't done anything for years. I've never had to comfort him like this before, and now that it's staring me in the face, I don't know how to react. 

We sit there, time surrounding us, seconds, minutes. I don't know how long we sit there, on the mattress, but when his lower lip starts to shake, I can't not do anything another second. 

I scoot forward, and I pull him into my chest. He's still crying; but it's quieter, and his arms shakily circle my waist. I bury my face into his curls, and I breathe him in, once, twice, three times. 

My shirt begins to grow damp with his tears, and I exhale, pressing a kiss to his curls. They smell like cinnamon, sunshine, apple. I run my fingers through them slowly, and they slip through like water. The air is still, and I bring him closer to me. He's trembling, and I slide my hands up and down his back, and my fingers twist tightly into the hem of his shirt. He stiffens, before relaxing into me again, and his hands are gripping, clawing, at my back. He's warm, too warm, against me, and I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what  _I'm_ thinking, if I'm being completely honest. 

"It's alright, love," I whisper into his curls, and he exhales heavily. The sound is thick with the sound of tears. I swallow. "You'll be okay, Simon. Okay? You'll be alright, I promise," I say, and begin to scratch lightly at the spot between his wings. He relaxes almost immediately, and a wave of relief washes over me. I do this at night, when he's fast asleep and when I can't seem to drift off myself. I've never known that he likes it so much, and my heart stumbles in my chest before regaining itself. 

"You're okay, Simon. I've got you. I won't let go, I promise," I say softly, and his arms around my waist tighten. 

I want to tell him that I love him, but I can't. It's only been three months, and if I tell him now, he might run. I'm barely soft with him. Not because I don't feel like my whole world, my whole being, my whole  _life,_ has revolved around him for four years, but because I'm scared that all of the emotion and want that I've been building up will spill out, and I won't be able to stop it. I've always resorted to being an asshole with a sharp tongue, ever since I was 15, and it's been hard to break. 

I inhale, and run a hand slowly through his hair, and wind my fingers around his curls. "I'm going to lay down, love. Okay?" I say softly, and I feel him nod against me. It's so slight, and so subtle, that if I wasn't waiting for it, I wouldn't notice it. 

I slowly lean down onto the mattress, with him still in my arms. He's not crying as much now, and I'm relieved. 

He's breathing heavily onto my chest, and I pull him closer. His head tucks underneath my chin, and I wrap my arm tightly around his waist. The other one is still wound in his curls. I press a soft kiss to his forehead, and lean my forehead against his own. 

"Better?" I whisper, trailing my fingers up and down his jawline. He doesn't do anything; just stays still, but his jaw isn't clenched anymore, and I can feel him slightly relaxing when I slide my hand slowly up and down his side. 

I softly kiss his forehead again, and his fingers tightly grip the hemline of my shirt. 

I'm relieved that he needs me. I'm relieved that even after everything we've both been through, that he still knows I'll always be there for him. I don't know if he knows how much  _I_ actually need him, and that I have no intention of ever letting go of him, if I can help it. The stupid, beautiful, marvelous idiot probably has no idea that he's the reason why I'm still here, and honestly, I prefer it this way. 

 

**_SIMON_ **

 

Baz's hold on me hasn't loosened on me at all, and I think he might think that I've fallen asleep, because he's telling me that I'm beautiful, and that I'm wonderful, and that I'm not broken. That we still match, even though I don't really agree with him. I keep on waiting for him to let go of me, and to go hunt, but my eyelids are dangerously heavy, and he still hasn't moved an inch.

He kisses my neck, softly, and it feels so good that I don't know how to react. He runs his fingers through my hair, and the sensation is so soothing that I could fall asleep right there and then. 

I don't know how much more time passes, but my eyes are closed, and his soft whispers surround me, and his cold against my warmth feels so nice, that I can feel myself drifting off. 

As I'm just about to fall asleep, a thought comes into my mind, and I don't know if it's my post-nightmare distorted brain, or my actual normal one, because for some reason, the thought feels like thick honey running through my veins, and it doesn't surprise me. 

As I'm just about to fall asleep, the three words that could break me, that could break Baz, are stuck on a loop. 

_I love you. I love you. I love you, Baz. Thank you for being here, thank you for staying. Thank you for being one of the only constant things in my life._

_Thank you. I love you._

_I love you._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hahA i cannot stick to chaptered fics for the freaking life of me. I'm so sorry if you've read my most recent fic and are waiting for a new chapter. i do have the chapter half-finished and a complete idea for it, i just haven't been able to get it written the way that i want it to be.  
> anyway, i hope that this makes up for it, and if it doesn't, oops. sorry.  
> i'll start on the other chapter for THIS fic probably in a day or two, and this is just gonna be a cute lil twoshot because i haven't written fluff in a long, long time. i hope you guys really like this. as always, feedback and kudos are completely welcome.  
> oh, and a side note, this isn't betad or edited, so if there's any sort of error, i'm really sorry. i know it's bad that i don't edit my own stuff but i'm honestly way too lazy to do it, so yeah. that's my only excuse for having errors in my work.  
> i hope you guys like this!


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